A lonely man sitting against a wall (Photo: Chris Elward)

Break ups all look different. Sometimes they are tears, Kleenex boxes and ice cream. Sometimes they’re a trip downtown with friends for a night out. Dealing with break ups is as unique to each person as the break up itself. We just want to make sure that you’re OK. If you’re in a post-relationship state, here are some things to keep in mind:

Assess your safety. First and foremost, you should make sure that you are safe after your break up. Ask yourself if your break up could result in your ex doing something that puts you or others at risk. Look out for warning signs like anger, intimidation or even abuse that are signals that you’re in an unsafe situation. If you’ve ever shared passwords or keys, it may be time to change those for your own protection. Talk to one of our advocates if you feel like you may be at risk. Abuse is abuse, even if you’re no longer with a partner.

Lean on your support system. Having friends and family close by after a break up is a great way to rebuild your confidence and morale. No matter if it’s just to have someone to talk to, someone to keep you busy or anything in between, having a strong support system is an important part of break ups. A listening ear can never hurt and you may be surprised by how helpful it is to talk about your feelings.

After leaving an abusive relationship, your support system means a solid reinforcement that you don’t have to feel guilty and that you can be okay now that you’re out of the relationship. Friends and family want to be there for you, so you should take advantage and let them take care of you for a little while.  Read more…

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A young child plays softball (Photo: Poi Apeles)

While restraining orders explain temporarily who has custody of a child, these laws are not permanent. When a child is born, both parents are assumed to have joint custody, meaning that the father still has a legal right to be with the child. Filing for a custody order once the child is born is important to making sure that you have worked out all the details of custody – who will have the child when, how they are picked up and dropped off between visits, etc. Custody orders are more difficult to obtain than protective orders, but they are a permanent legal solution. The hearings for custody orders can have proceedings that take months, so taking early action is best way to combat the intricate process.

Here are some tips to prepare you for custody order hearings

• Document abuse in a journal. This can provide a historical record of why it’s important that the child not be around the abuser.
• Keep all legal identification documents in the same place. This includes a birth certificate, report cards and other official documents.
• Be a responsible parent. Take good care of your child so that the court has no reason to doubt your ability to raise the child. Have witnesses that can confirm your parenting skills.
• Seek legal counsel. Having legal representation in a courtroom setting is a useful way to strengthen your case.

Custody orders are going to help determine when the visitation laws and who has the child at different times (i.e. holidays and birthdays). Custody orders also determine who claims the child on their taxes and who will be getting the tax money from claiming the child as a dependent.

Just like with protective orders, you should keep a laminated copy of the custody order everywhere you go, especially at the hospital, with babysitters, at families’ houses and on your person.

If you’re confused or worried, you can always call, chat or text us. We can guide you through the laws having to do with protective and custody orders. Protect yourself and your unborn child by making the smartest moves.

kchilton awareness, prevention, resources

A stop sign in front of a beach (Photo: Chris Metcalf)

If you’re being abused while pregnant, a protective order  can put up a shield that the abuser can’t legally cross. Also referred to as restraining orders, they are physical documents that protect you legally. This gives you a chance to focus on what is really important – you and your unborn child. The process to obtaining a protective order is different for each state. Check Women’s Law to get the specific laws surrounding protective orders in your state. While we strongly suggest getting a protective order, keep in mind that it is only a piece of paper to an abuser that seriously wants to harm you. Keep yourself safe with support systems, as well. Having the protective order gives you the advantage if police have to get involved.

Marital status is one factor that affects the laws in different states. Most states allow you to obtain a protective order against someone you live with or are married to, but not all states recognize dating abuse situations. Our National Survey lets you see the breakdown of who is eligible for protective orders in your state.  Your age is also a major factor depending on where you are. Many states do allow under 18 year olds to file for a restraining order on their own, but some states require an adult to be with you.

Protective orders can offer a lot of protection, but there are some things that aren’t guaranteed. Your abuser won’t necessarily be completely out of your life, especially if they are the father of your child. Visitation and custody laws might still give the father some rights to be with or around the child. Also, getting a restraining order against the abuser may spark reactions from those close to him, and the protective order can’t stop the abuser’s friends from being around you. Make sure you tell a school counselor, a parent, another trusted adult or the police about the situation you’re in if you start experiencing retaliations from friends of your former partner.

Keep a laminated copy of the protective order everywhere you go. Keep one at home, at school, in your backpack, in your car and everywhere else. It’s better to be safe than sorry with protective orders and it helps you legally if you have a copy of it conveniently located near you.

Check our blog on Thursday for more info on custody orders, the next step you should make to protect yourself against an abuser while dealing with pregnancy.

kchilton awareness, prevention, resources