A lonely man sitting against a wall (Photo: Chris Elward)

Break ups all look different. Sometimes they are tears, Kleenex boxes and ice cream. Sometimes they’re a trip downtown with friends for a night out. Dealing with break ups is as unique to each person as the break up itself. We just want to make sure that you’re OK. If you’re in a post-relationship state, here are some things to keep in mind:

Assess your safety. First and foremost, you should make sure that you are safe after your break up. Ask yourself if your break up could result in your ex doing something that puts you or others at risk. Look out for warning signs like anger, intimidation or even abuse that are signals that you’re in an unsafe situation. If you’ve ever shared passwords or keys, it may be time to change those for your own protection. Talk to one of our advocates if you feel like you may be at risk. Abuse is abuse, even if you’re no longer with a partner.

Lean on your support system. Having friends and family close by after a break up is a great way to rebuild your confidence and morale. No matter if it’s just to have someone to talk to, someone to keep you busy or anything in between, having a strong support system is an important part of break ups. A listening ear can never hurt and you may be surprised by how helpful it is to talk about your feelings.

After leaving an abusive relationship, your support system means a solid reinforcement that you don’t have to feel guilty and that you can be okay now that you’re out of the relationship. Friends and family want to be there for you, so you should take advantage and let them take care of you for a little while. 

Relax and have fun. Especially after a break up, it may seem difficult or even wrong to want to enjoy yourself. But with a break up comes extra free time, and something has to be done with that time. Do what you love, be passionate about art, sports, movies or whatever it is that you love doing.

The effects of abuse can last long past the relationship’s end, but having fun will help ease that pain for you. Relaxing will help distract you and keep the endorphins running through your system.

Think strongly before getting back together. After break ups, it often feels like leaving the relationship was a mistake. Write down the reasons for the break up in a journal. Write exactly how you are feeling now so that you can accurately get a picture of it later on when you read it.

Particularly in abusive relationships, it’s important to know exactly what you were feeling when the relationship ended. Thoughts can be easily clouded, but your writing will be definite. Use this as a guide to weigh the pros and cons of getting back into a relationship with that person.

Ultimately, do what feels right to remain a strong, empowered individual. If you’ve left an abusive relationship and feel like getting back together with that partner, call us. We can talk about this and provide support.

A young child plays softball (Photo: Poi Apeles)

While restraining orders explain temporarily who has custody of a child, these laws are not permanent. When a child is born, both parents are assumed to have joint custody, meaning that the father still has a legal right to be with the child. Filing for a custody order once the child is born is important to making sure that you have worked out all the details of custody – who will have the child when, how they are picked up and dropped off between visits, etc. Custody orders are more difficult to obtain than protective orders, but they are a permanent legal solution. The hearings for custody orders can have proceedings that take months, so taking early action is best way to combat the intricate process.

Here are some tips to prepare you for custody order hearings

• Document abuse in a journal. This can provide a historical record of why it’s important that the child not be around the abuser.
• Keep all legal identification documents in the same place. This includes a birth certificate, report cards and other official documents.
• Be a responsible parent. Take good care of your child so that the court has no reason to doubt your ability to raise the child. Have witnesses that can confirm your parenting skills.
• Seek legal counsel. Having legal representation in a courtroom setting is a useful way to strengthen your case.

Custody orders are going to help determine when the visitation laws and who has the child at different times (i.e. holidays and birthdays). Custody orders also determine who claims the child on their taxes and who will be getting the tax money from claiming the child as a dependent.

Just like with protective orders, you should keep a laminated copy of the custody order everywhere you go, especially at the hospital, with babysitters, at families’ houses and on your person.

If you’re confused or worried, you can always call, chat or text us. We can guide you through the laws having to do with protective and custody orders. Protect yourself and your unborn child by making the smartest moves.

A stop sign in front of a beach (Photo: Chris Metcalf)

If you’re being abused while pregnant, a protective order  can put up a shield that the abuser can’t legally cross. Also referred to as restraining orders, they are physical documents that protect you legally. This gives you a chance to focus on what is really important – you and your unborn child. The process to obtaining a protective order is different for each state. Check Women’s Law to get the specific laws surrounding protective orders in your state. While we strongly suggest getting a protective order, keep in mind that it is only a piece of paper to an abuser that seriously wants to harm you. Keep yourself safe with support systems, as well. Having the protective order gives you the advantage if police have to get involved.

Marital status is one factor that affects the laws in different states. Most states allow you to obtain a protective order against someone you live with or are married to, but not all states recognize dating abuse situations. Our National Survey lets you see the breakdown of who is eligible for protective orders in your state.  Your age is also a major factor depending on where you are. Many states do allow under 18 year olds to file for a restraining order on their own, but some states require an adult to be with you.

Protective orders can offer a lot of protection, but there are some things that aren’t guaranteed. Your abuser won’t necessarily be completely out of your life, especially if they are the father of your child. Visitation and custody laws might still give the father some rights to be with or around the child. Also, getting a restraining order against the abuser may spark reactions from those close to him, and the protective order can’t stop the abuser’s friends from being around you. Make sure you tell a school counselor, a parent, another trusted adult or the police about the situation you’re in if you start experiencing retaliations from friends of your former partner.

Keep a laminated copy of the protective order everywhere you go. Keep one at home, at school, in your backpack, in your car and everywhere else. It’s better to be safe than sorry with protective orders and it helps you legally if you have a copy of it conveniently located near you.

Check our blog on Thursday for more info on custody orders, the next step you should make to protect yourself against an abuser while dealing with pregnancy.

The shadow of a pregnant woman (Photo: zeevveez)

We understand that break ups are hard, and they’re even more difficult when someone is pregnant. If you’re pregnant and find yourself wanting to leave an abusive relationship, we have two legal steps you can take that are immensely helpful to expecting women.

We were lucky enough to talk to Tonya Turner, the Senior Staff Attorney at our partner Break the Cycle, about legal actions pregnant women take while leaving an abusive relationship.

Protective orders, or restraining orders, are the first step because they can keep you safe from the abuser immediately, as they restrict the targeted person from communicating with you.

Custody orders determine who has legal custody of the child at different times. These are something you want to get a head start on. Because custody orders can’t be filed until the child is born, preparing for the custody order hearings ahead of time is in the best interest of you and your child.

Remember that you should only take these steps if this is something you are ready for. Leaving an abusive relationship is dangerous, and even more so when you’re pregnant. For more info about protective orders, tune in tomorrow for an entire blog post dedicated to them, and look for a custody orders post later this week.

Checking in on Facebook (Photo: Jorge Quinteros)

There’s a line in the Sony film Easy A where Mr. Griffith tells Olive, “I don’t understand what your generation’s fascination is with sharing your every thought. They’re not all diamonds.”

He was talking about our use of social media to connect with each other and the occasional tendency we have to over share on the internet. While his statement was meant as a joke, Mr. Griffith brings up a really good point — what’s OK to talk about and what should be avoided?

Social media has made it really easy to tell the world about our lives and really hard to define appropriateness. We can click a box and announce a relationship’s beginning or end, we can comment on photos and status updates and we can share our opinions — and there’s nothing to stop us from saying exactly what we want.

We can post these things, but should we? Below are some things you might want to consider before sharing something online.

Who’s going to see it?

You and your partner might be head-over-heels in love, but you should pause before posting pictures of the two of you making out. Despite your stringent privacy settings, your friends aren’t the only ones who can see your photos and profile. In fact, pretty much anyone can see what you’ve been up to – including parents, teachers and employers.

Before you show your friends how in love you are, you might want to ask yourself if you want your Gammy to see what you’re about to post. What about your partner’s Gammy? Double-check with them to make sure that they’re OK with people that they don’t know seeing what you post about them.

How will people react?

While choosing to make your relationship “Facebook official” might seem like a great way to show how committed you are, you might want to rethink it. What if your ex sees your change in relationships status? How will they react? What will their reaction mean for you?

Before you tell the world that you’ve got a new boo, take a second to think about who’s going to find out and what their knowing will mean for you and your partner.

How will posting affect your relationship?

Let’s say you and your partner just had an argument and while you fought fair, you’re still pretty upset and want to vent on Twitter — hold your horses. Telling the world about this argument might not be the wisest thing. Your partner might feel that you shouldn’t have shared, that they were unfairly attacked or that you didn’t tell the whole truth and it could mean the end of your relationship.

Before you tweet in anger, pause and contemplate how you would feel if they shared what you’re about to.

How will sharing affect your reputation?

Seventeen Magazine recently wrote an article about the “I Have a Secret” series on YouTube in which people are sharing their deepest secrets with the world. This article touches on the reaction that participants are receiving from viewers. Some have received hate mail, hurtful comments and have even been ostracized from their group of friends.

Before you share your secrets, consider if you would be OK if you received a harsh comment in response. Can you handle all of the opinions that might be voiced, even if they are different than how you think?

Will it put you in danger?

When you’re out with your friends you might be tempted to “check in” on Foursquare or Facebook. Don’t do it. Sharing your location can be extremely hazardous for a whole host of reasons, including that it allows anyone to find you.

Before you share something, like your location, ask yourself if it will put you in danger. Plus, if you’re tagging people in your “check in” you’ve got to verify that it’s OK with them, too.

How does your partner feel about it?

Maybe you took a picture with your boyfriend while the two of you were at the beach last weekend and you absolutely love it. You upload it Facebook and set it as your profile picture. But did ask your partner if they were OK with you sharing it? Maybe he doesn’t want the whole world to see him shirtless and gets upset that you posted the photo.

Before you post a picture or status (or comment or anything else) about your partner, check with them to make sure they are comfortable with it.

Online interactions affect real life relationships. Before you share information your partner you must verify that the person you’re talking about is OK with what you’re saying. Not doing so can cause friction in the relationship and potentially threaten your partner’s safety. Having a conversation about this with your partner at the beginning of your relationship can save you from awkward status-deletes later on.

What are some things you should think seriously about before posting?

Mixed Drinks (Photo: The Vault DFW)

Having a great time on a date or at a party can mean partaking a few beers or margaritas for our 21+ college-aged readers. We’re not talking about dancing-on-the-table, singing bad karaoke drinking. We’re talking about one or two drinks on a date or at a party.

We don’t talk about drinking and dating very often, but we want all of our readers to be safe if they choose to partake of alcohol. So, we came up with a few things to think about when drinking around a potential date.

1.    Have two other options for a ride home. Have a Plan B and a Plan C, just in case. You don’t want to be locked into going home with your date when doing so could cause you to make choice that your completely sober self would not make. Whether it’s jotting down the number for a taxi company or letting a sober friend at a party know that you might need a ride, having backups will help you make a decision which is right for you.

2.    Know your boundaries and stick to them. Before you meet up with your date, think about how you expect the date/party to go, what you hope will happen and decide what you are OK or not OK with happening. Happy hour isn’t the best time for making significant decisions. When alcohol is involved, it’s best to have a plan.

3.    Don’t use alcohol as liquid courage. If you’re going on a first date or attending the same party as a crush, don’t look to alcohol as the magic liquid to give you courage. What’s meant to be will be — regardless of if you confess your deepest feelings at this party. Keep in mind that if what you want to happen works out, you’ll be spending hours together completely sober — so it might be best to start now.

4.    Don’t drink too much. Really, though, dates/hangouts are not the time to chug anything (except water, of course — get your eight glasses in). Getting sloppy is not only a bad start to relationship, it’s just plain dangerous. Keep track of the amount you’re drinking — remember this can be harder to do with mixed drinks, so be careful. Watch the drinks get poured and pace yourself. If someone’s pushing drinks on you, remember it’s your body and you call the shots (no pun intended) when it comes to your comfort level.

5.    Resist the temptation to be a social sipper. We’ve all been there: nervous, wanting to impress your date, constantly sipping at a drink to avoid awkward silences. It’s tempting to use alcohol as a means to “loosen up,” but avoid the temptation. You don’t need alcohol to feel good about yourself. You are cool, funny and smart and your date will see that.

Drinking and dating are often intertwined after you turn 21. Remember, you deserve to feel comfortable and safe when dating. You always have the right to leave a situation if you’re not.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and on many college campuses this means that an event known as Take Back The Night takes place.

This event began in Philadelphia in 1975 to remember a woman who had been killed while walking alone one night. It is an opportunity not only to raise awareness about sexual assault, but it also an opportunity to allow women to reclaim public spaces because some women feel like they must fear being in public spaces alone, particularly at night. This fear of sexual assault doesn’t allow equal and safe access for women to public spaces.

On April 12, 2012, my university (the University of North Carolina at Charlotte) held our own Take Back the Night Event. This event began with a speech from the Assistant Vice Chancellor welcoming us to the event as well as a speech from Women’s Programs who put on this event to welcome us and give us some statistics about how many people are truly affected by sexual assault. Did you know that every two minutes someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted (RAINN)?

A woman who worked at the counseling center spoke about how it was never the victim’s fault. A spokesperson from United Family Services also spoke about the services they offer in our community for survivors. A campus police officer spoke about the lack of reporting and about how campus police wants to reach out to survivors to report.

Then a really amazing part of the program took place — the men’s pledge. A criminal justice professor who teaches the domestic violence class led this pledge. He called all of the men who were attending the event up to the front and had them recite a pledge stating that they would never commit, condone, or remain silent about men’s violence against women.

This was really powerful and reminded us that this is more than just a women’s issue.

The Interpersonal Violence Prevention and Services Coordinator from Wellness Promotion recited the following statement as candles were lit: “We light candles in memory of the survivors and victims of Sexual Assault.”

The final speaker was a survivor who told her story about how she was sexually assaulted by someone she was dating. She started by saying that 46 days ago she was sexually assaulted. She spoke so powerfully about wanting to be a survivor not a victim. She spoke about healing through telling her story. She even shared a poem that she felt exemplified her feelings and told us that the healing process was not linear, but rather a spectrum.

It was so powerful and it had such an impact on me and on the audience. At the end, we marched to the Garden of Hope, which is dedicated to the remembrance of survivors and victims of sexual assault. It was so emotional marching with all of those people and having our candles glow in the setting sun.

While I was there, someone interviewed me about the event since I had helped in organizing some of it. He asked me a question that really struck me. He asked me what I wanted people to get out of this event. I told him that I wanted people to become aware of this pressing issue and to feel moved to make a difference, whether small and within their own lives or bigger, to affect the society or community as whole.

That is why I decided to share this beyond just my own university. Though I know there are Take Back The Night events elsewhere, I want more people to become aware of this issue and feel the need, even a pressure, to make a change in an issue that affects so many people.

The silhouette of a pregnant young woman (Photo: Mahalie Stackpole)

Staying safe in an abusive relationship is tough enough, but when paired with pregnancy, it can make for a really dangerous time for a woman. We’ve come up with some tips for increasing your safety if you are pregnant and in an abusive relationship

Remember that this information is not meant to scare, but rather to inform. Abuse in a relationship where a woman is pregnant can result in some truly terrible outcomes. Here are a few tips to stay safe:

Get someone close involved. Having a really good friend or family member to fall back on is an effective way to make sure you always have a safety net. In the case of pregnancy, telling your parents or other close adults about the danger your partner is putting you in is the safest way to go. They can help you figure out the next steps to take while keeping you and your child safe from harm. Check out our tips on how to tell someone about the abuse.

Recognize the warning signs. Noticing when something is about to go wrong gives you an opportunity to react in the safest way possible. If you notice that your partner is starting to get angry or moody, it’s best for you to not be alone with that person. If you already are alone with them, try to let the tension diminish. If your partner starts displaying abusive behavior, your safety should be your first priority. If a dangerous situation is inescapable, make sure you’re taking steps to keep yourself safe. This can include staying on the first floor of a house with stairs, staying away from sharp objects, locking yourself in a safe room with a phone, using the fetal position around your stomach when being physically abused and calling 911 if you feel threatened. Any time 911 is called, someone is legally obligated to come to you. Read about what the police can do after you’ve called them.

Keep medical treatment in mind. Your family doctor, or any doctor, needs to know that you are pregnant. Regular check ups are important for any expecting mother, but even more so for a pregnant woman in an abusive relationship because of the potential dangers being abused has on a developing child. If a doctor knows what’s going on medically, they can help you to keep yourself healthy. Know that while they won’t dig for information from you about your abuser, doctors are mandatory reporters, meaning they have to report anything illegal they witness to the proper authorities.

There are no obligations. Abusive partners can use pregnancy as a way to keep you in their life, connected to you through the child. In a healthy relationship, you should have complete control of what you do in regards to the relationship. You and your partner should be a collaborative team that supports each other through each decision made. When you get pregnant, abusers see it as another means of control, and most of the time abuse increases after the pregnancy. Don’t feel obligated to stay with the father of the child if you don’t want to.

Pregnancy can be a dangerous, sensitive time. Taking care of yourself is incredibly important. Call, chat or text us if you have any questions about staying safe in an abusive relationship